Before I came to the UCKG HelpCentre had lost the desire to live. Life became a burden for me. No matter what I did, things always went from bad to worse. It all started when I was young.

I was being sexually abused by a relative of mine and this tore me apart inside, I had no one to speak to; I tried telling my mum but there was no strength within me to speak out so I hid this secret from her for years. I confided in friends and it just made things worse because they told my teacher who then told my mum. This wasn’t the way I wanted her to find out. Deep down part of me thought that by her knowing, things would get better…I was wrong.

Angry at the fact that little was done about what I had suffered, I became bitter and had grudges against my parents. I hated my mum; I hated that she knew what had happened but was not doing anything about it. I hated my dad and never spoke to him because he had addictions which made him a very angry person and hard to be around. Even the relationship with my brother and sister was bad; we would always argue which then led to us not speaking to one another for days on end.

While on one hand the abuse turned me into a very angry person, on the other hand, I became very fearful. I panicked over everything and was always expecting the worst to happen.

I felt like nothing in this world could take away the memory of what happened it seemed impossible, the only way out appeared to be death. The thought of death plagued me so much that it drove me to the point of almost slitting my wrists.

When my mum went on holiday to India, the feeling of despair grew stronger. I didn’t care about anything anymore and even started skipping my sixth-form classes - within two months I had stopped attending all together.

I thought it would make me happy; I was totally wrong; it only made me more depressed. Soon after that, my health started going down. I felt very dizzy all the time but my family kept saying it was nothing to worry about and that it would pass. But when I woke up one night, I had a panic attack. As the days went by I began having sharp pains in my head; the pains were so bad they felt like someone was grabbing my brain.

To make matters worse, I had a terrible fear of sleep. It was like something was coming to get me, so while it was still dark I would stay awake and only fall asleep in the early hours of the morning. I would pray asking why I had made it through the night, why didn’t I just die? I already felt impure because of the abuse but now I just felt even worse. The only thing I had was my health but now that was gone too. Doctors and tablets couldn’t help and herbal medication wasn’t helping - nothing was working! At this point my life was unbearable.

I remember looking at the cake on my 17th birthday and wishing on each candle for my death. I’d determined that by my 18th birthday I would either be dead or sleeping around. I hated my abuser, I hated my parents, I hated my life and I desperately wanted it to end. This was the state I was in when I found the UCKG and then the VYG (Victory Youth Group).

It was through a City News posted in my letterbox that I came to know of the UCKG HelpCentre. And it was there that I began to have a little hope.

I read testimonies of people whose lives were a mess but were totally transformed through the power of God. Some of the testimonies even related to our situation at home and this is when my mum built up the courage to come. I was a bit proud to come at first but eventually I came with her.

The first day I attended, I felt so peaceful it truly felt like home, I was so overwhelmed that I don’t remember who was around me - all I knew was that I needed to speak to someone. I spoke to an assistant about my health problem but not about the abuse because I thought I could deal with that on my own.

I kept holding on to the trauma even after I started attending more frequently. It wasn’t until during a VYG meeting on a Thursday that a message about opening up really struck me. It was as if the Pastor was speaking directly to me. I was still a bit stubborn to open up but when I got home that evening I burst into tears, I was just full of pain I just didn’t have the strength to trust anyone anymore.

I booked an appointment to speak to an assistant the following day, when I did, I burst into floods of tears as I finally opened up and told her everything.

From that day onwards I attended the Friday services for deliverance because I realised that I had to fight the negative forces in my life. The VYG meetings on Thursdays also helped me a lot to open up and use my faith - something I was not doing at all.

The more I did what I learned during the meetings, the more things started to change, one by one, my health problems started to change also. I can sleep peacefully, I speak to my dad and God has also given me the strength to get over all my past hurts and not allow them to affect me as a person or my future.

I came from Hindu/Sikh background but despite that, I can say with full confidence that God is really alive because if He was dead then I would be dead also. I’m truly happy, I’m a part of the Youth Group and I also get to help other young people who are trying to see a change in their lives and find God as I did. I have faith, determination, motivation and assurance that the victory is always going to be mine and most of all, that God never fails.

Rajani Sidhu

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